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Poker Crush - Jokes and Quotes - Never Argue with a Woman

rainbow1 - 02.07.2008, 18:26
Post subject: Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

PokerGuru - 02.07.2008, 18:36
Post subject:

ROFLMBOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dear Rainbow!

That is the best joke I have seen for a long while! (still laughing)

Thank you for contributing it to our party!

Fellow Gentlemen: Her joke amazingly reflects real life, doesn't it?

Your Guru

char1984 - 02.07.2008, 19:00
Post subject:

I have to say that is a very good one Laughing

kaska321 - 02.07.2008, 19:53
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Great joke Rainbow , I need to read it to my hubby :-)
Im trying to tell him that : even if I am wrong I am still right :-)

slotmom - 02.07.2008, 20:34
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rsablebomb - 02.07.2008, 21:49
Post subject:

Ok I got a good one too for you guys.

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

char1984 - 02.07.2008, 22:12
Post subject:

That is great lmao Laughing

PokerGuru - 03.07.2008, 05:38
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Wonderful, my people! We now have a joke page to add to our party festivities!

Your contributions is what is making our Birthday Bash successful!

Great jokes so far!

Slotmom -- I love the LMAO kitties in your post above! Precious!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EVERYBODY!

*Don't just read all the posts. Please respond to them with a post of your own. It will be greatly appreciated and it will also add to your own enjoyment at our party by making you feel more involved in it!

Your Guru

kaska321 - 03.07.2008, 05:54
Post subject: While the Cat's Away

While the Cat's Away

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

char1984 - 03.07.2008, 06:44
Post subject:

Adult Riddles
Q. What is the difference between a Drug dealer and a Hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s ex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister i n the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up i n the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

OH, don't groan... You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

char1984 - 03.07.2008, 06:47
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CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!' :

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work

Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs

Hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really

Need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my

Wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything

Better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You

Say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........

You got Nice house

rsablebomb - 03.07.2008, 13:28
Post subject:

hehe, I love these jokes.

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, OR DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Charlotte , North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured

them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars

and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy

the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that

the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that

the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer

held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars

were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against

fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was

obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance

company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his

loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW F OR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 m onths in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!!!

ONLY IN AMERICA----NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS !!!

rsablebomb - 03.07.2008, 13:30
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here is another one.

Fall-Down Drunk > > A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the> absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.> "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the> man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but> fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he> thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next> morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.> "You went out drinking last night, didn't> you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said> sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left> your wheelchair at the bar again."

I get all these from my sister in-law and my cousin. I will look through my inbox for some more.

rainbow1 - 03.07.2008, 15:49
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wow !!!!!!!!!!!! look at all these great jokes, what awesome members we have here Smile

royalblush - 03.07.2008, 20:48
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I can tell you guys are selecting only the very best to post here.

Just like Poker-Crushers in every way! Only the best!

royalblush - 05.07.2008, 00:26
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AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:

'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A
HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSE D BEDROOM DOOR.

UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:

'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME
ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAY S LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.lmao

kaska321 - 05.07.2008, 01:08
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rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 01:40
Post subject:

another one from my mailbox.....

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back> country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was> a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped> on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still> keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran> up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.> The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and> drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the> farmer answered he told him what he had just seen. The> farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this> breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like> a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only> have to kill one chicken. "That''s the most> fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the> salesman. "How do they taste?" "I don't> know," said the farmer. "We've never caught> one."

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 01:41
Post subject:

and another

The Irishman's Wish >

> An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp> at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it.> Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three> wishes." The Irishman thinks awhile. Finally he says,> "I want a beer that never is empty." With that,> the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of> beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it> is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next> two wishes. The Irishman says, "I want two more of> these."

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 01:44
Post subject:

and another...

> Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid > form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for > use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour > himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, > and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and > just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new > concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. > > Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants > and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, > there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge > erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. > If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five > fewer people laughing in the world.

I have more but will let you stop crying from laughing so hard first. So more tomorrow.

rainbow1 - 05.07.2008, 02:06
Post subject:

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing :This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make
to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how
and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're
welcome.

8 .Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is
something that a woman has tol d a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's
response refer to #3.

rainbow1 - 05.07.2008, 02:25
Post subject:

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this ...

"You got Male!

PokerGuru - 05.07.2008, 04:29
Post subject:

Rainbow, darlin' ..............

You have just told me my favorite modern joke!

L'ed MBO! Still laughing. I DO love it! Thank you!

Your Guru

rainbow1 - 05.07.2008, 17:54
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XXXOOO

kaska321 - 05.07.2008, 18:04
Post subject:

Oldie, but goodie :

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 20:39
Post subject:

Ok I said I would be back today with some more. So here I am hope you are ready to laugh. I will start slow. maybe some politics hmmmm.

Al Gore was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to Mr. Gore, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' he said. 'How about global warming?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff grass - .

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?'

Mr. Gore, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming when you don't know *please do not swear*?

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 20:39
Post subject:

THE BLONDES ARE AT IT AGAIN

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 20:40
Post subject:

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 20:40
Post subject:

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of

her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 20:41
Post subject:

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad

hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it

to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he

decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail

pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started

blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little

harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and

asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman

had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 20:42
Post subject:

oops missed the end of that one lol

You need to roll up the windows first.' <---- that goes with the last joke hehe.

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 20:42
Post subject:

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister.
Her mother died, too!'

rsablebomb - 05.07.2008, 20:44
Post subject:

I still have lots and lots more maybe put in some more later but for now you have these to chew on lmao.

Remember laughter makes the world a happier place.

rsablebomb - 06.07.2008, 22:39
Post subject:

ok back again today....

These are too funny. I rather giggled at the last one.

>

> 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going

> to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out

> to the

> cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her

> underwear.

> Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was

> in the

> wrong one.

> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,! San Francisco

>

>

> 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope

> on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior

> chest wall.

> 'Big Breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied

> the

> patient.

> Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

>

>

> 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I

> told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial

> infarct.

> Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to

> the rest of

> the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

>

> submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

>

>

> 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment

> with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he

> was having

> trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.

> 'The patch,

> the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now

> I'm

> running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress

> and

> discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

> Yes, the man had over fifty

> patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of

> the old

> patch before applying a new one.

> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

>

> 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

> I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of

> complete confusion she answered.. Why, not for about twenty

> years -

> when my husband was alive.'

> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

>

> 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning

> and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your

> breakfast

> this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky

> Jelly. I can't

> seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then

> asked to

> see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled

> 'KY Jelly.'

> Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

>

> 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a

> young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker

> Mohawk,

> sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,

> entered

> It was quickly determined that the patient had acute

> appendicitis, so

> she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

> When she was completely

> disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her

> pubic hair

> had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that

> read, 'Keep

> off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

> wrote a

> short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had

> to mow

> the lawn.'

> Submitted by RN no name

>

>

> AND FINALLY!!!................

>

> 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was

> quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To

> cover my

> embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling

> softly.

> The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam

> suddenly

> burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up

> from my

> work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She

> replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I

> wish I

> was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

>

> Dr. wouldn't submit his name

rsablebomb - 06.07.2008, 22:40
Post subject:

Dear Tide:
>
>
> I am writing to say what an excellent
> product you have! I've used it all of my married
> life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
> that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In
> fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
> my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
> husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I
> was, and generally started becoming a pain in the
> neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended
> up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed
> my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my
> surprise and satisfaction! , all of the stains came
> out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
> detectives who came by yesterday told me that the
> DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my
> attorney called and said that I was no longer
> considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
> husband.
>
> What a relief! Going through menopause is
> bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank
> you, once again, for having a great product.
>
> Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty
> bag people.

rsablebomb - 06.07.2008, 22:40
Post subject:

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the
> front
> lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a
> bit
> unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
>
> On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
> ladies lying naked on the lawn.
>
> This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the
> Nursing Home Administrator.
>
> 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
>
> 'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard
> sale.
>

rsablebomb - 06.07.2008, 22:42
Post subject:

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good
day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

rsablebomb - 06.07.2008, 22:45
Post subject:

a long one but worth the read

Hair Removal....

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal -

The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on......

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
few hours:

'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
'cold wax' kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg
(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to
figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I
lay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down
to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!

Blinded from pain!!!!....

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. crepe!

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe............

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy -

a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my
hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!

I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped
upon the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself

'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub -

The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war
or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking
cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
wax off with a razor .

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

rainbow1 - 06.07.2008, 23:15
Post subject:

next week hair color?? oh dear haven't you learned yet lol

kaska321 - 06.07.2008, 23:43
Post subject:

That was a painfull lesson :-)

kaska321 - 07.07.2008, 00:13
Post subject:

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

kaska321 - 07.07.2008, 20:45
Post subject:

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.